Dit is een echte passenger announcement:

"Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco.

If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If
you're not
going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long
evening.

We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features
of this
aircraft.

The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane
is... The
Flight Attendants. Please look at one now.

There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the
wings, and
one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit
rows,
please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a
really bad
idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the
nearest exit. Count
the rows of seats between you and the exit. In
the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be
glad you
did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in
the
direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and
pretty red
ones at the exit rows.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will
drop down
over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the
flight
attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's
oxygen
there...promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or
someone who
is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and
put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more
children,
please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite.
Help that
one first, and then work your way down.

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety
features
of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own
personal
summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures.
Please take
it out and play with it now.

Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are
fastened low and
tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab
into the
buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like
your car
because you're in an airplane -- HELLO!!

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no
smoking
in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, I
we will
assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we
provide.
There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each
wing exit.
We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... hold on,
let me
check what it is .. Oh here it is; the movie tonight is: Gone with
the
Wind.

In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's
going to get
really dark, really fast.If you're afraid of the dark, now would be
a good
time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button
turns on
your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless
you
absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat
ejection button.

We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you
for
choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your
money. If there's
anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't
hesitate to
ask.

If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a
standing
ovation, wouldn't you?

After landing...

Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport.

Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the captain's fault. It's
not the
copilot's fault. It's the Asphalt.

Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no
time in
history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please
don't even
try. Please be careful opening the overhead bins because "shift
happens..."