Chuck, is that you?

Chuck, is that you?

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:grijns:

Waarom vrouwen porno-films altijd helemaal afkijken?
Omdat ze denken dat er aan het einde een bruiloft komt...

komt een vrouw bij de kassa en betaalt met honderd euro zegt de kassiere dat is vals geld mevrouw shit zegt die vrouw dan ben ik verkracht

Om even over het topic vrouwen door te gaan:

Wat is er aan de hand als er een vrouw in de woonkamer komt?
Ketting te lang.

Wat is het verschil tussen een alcoholist en een nymfomane?
Een cockpitdeur.

Waarom zijn Jack Daniels flessen niet rond?
Voorkomt dat ze naar achter rollen tijdens take off.

En voor de kenners onder ons:P
waarom heeft de Avro zoveel bird hits?
Er vliegen zoveel vogels van achter in de motoren

Basje komt thuis van zijn eerste schooldag in groep 4. Mamma vraagt hij: "wat heb jij, als je hier ballen hebt?" En hij wijst met z'n vingertje naar zijn rechter-knie. "Wat, uh, ik zou het niet weten." zegt mamma, terwijl ze limonade inschenkt.
"Eën klote knie" zegt Basje "En wat heb jij als je daar ballen hebt?" wijzend naar zijn linker-elleboog. "Nou?" vraagt mamma fronzend over zoon's taalgebruik. "Een klote arm" zegt het knaapje grijnzend. "En, wat heb je als hier ballen hebt?" vraagt hij terwijl hij zijn wijsvingertje op moeder's kin legt. "Een klote kin" antwoordt moeder ge-irriteerd. "Nee" krijst Basje gierend "dan heb je een lul in je mond!

Een B747 van SIA vertrekt op tijd van EBBR. Het toestel is net Ierland gepasseerd en de restanten van de eerste snacks worden opgeruimd, als de captain over de intercom mededeelt, dat de vlucht een halfuur langer gaat duren omdat de rechter buiten motor wegens een storing is afgeschakeld.
Een uurtje later, op eenderde van de hoofdfilm spreekt de captain wederom over de intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, de linker buitenmotor is eveneens buiten werking gesteld, wegens storing. We verwachten nu met een vertraging van twee uur aan te komen op JFK."
Het gemor van de pax is nog niet verstomd, of de captain meldt dat de vetraging op zal lopen tot 4 uur, omdat ze nu nog maar op een motor vliegen.
Sjefke wordt boos, staat op, en roept gefrustreerd over het gangpad "Non*ju, laten we hopen, dat dieje loatste motor nie uitvalt, anders blijven we vliegen!"

ALTERNATE AIRPORT: The area directly beyond the active runway when the engine quits on take off
ALTIMETER SETTING: The place where the altimeter sets. Usually hidden by the control column during a near-minimums instrument approach.
BANK: The folks who hold the mortgage on your aircraft.
BI-PLANE: What you'll say to your plane if flying costs keep going up
CARBURETOR ICE: Phrase used by pilots when explaining accident caused by fuel exhaustion.
"CLEAR": Warning shouted two seconds after hitting the starter button.
CONTROL TOWER: A small shack on stilts inhabited by government pensioners who can't hear. When they become blind, they are sent to centers.
CRITICAL ALTITUDE: Minus six feet.
CRITICAL ENGINE: That part of your airplane which used to be under the cowl, but is now in intensive care at the maintenance shop.
DEAD RECKONING: You reckon correctly, or you are.
DE-ICER: A device designed to operate under all weather conditions, except icing.
ENGINE FAILURE: A condition which occurs when all fuel tanks become filled with air.
FIREWALL: Section of aircraft especially designed to allow all engine heat and smoke to fill the cockpit.
GLIDING DISTANCE: Half the distance from your present position to the nearest decent landing area at the time of complete power failure.
GROSS WEIGHT: Maximum permissible take off weight, plus an extra suitcase, a case of bourbon, rifle, ammo, golf bag, bowling ball, and diving weights.
HOLDING PATTERN: The term applied to the dogfight in progress over any radio facility serving a terminal airport.
RANGE: Five miles beyond the point where all fuel tanks have become filled with air.
WALKAROUND: What you do when waiting for weather to clear.
LANDING FLAP: A 4000' roll out on a 3000' runway.

GLOSSARY OF PILOT TERMS
A & P Rating Enables you to fly grocery supplies.
Aero That portion of the atmosphere that lies over Great Britain.
Aerodrome British word for airport. Exactly what you'd expect from a country that gives its airplanes names like Gypsy Moth, Slingsby Dart, and Fairey Battle Bomber.
Aileron A hinged control surface on the wing that scares the hell out of airline passengers when it moves.
Airfoils Swords used for dueling in flight.
Airplane The infernal machine invented by two bicycle mechanics from Dayton, Ohio and perfected on the sands of the Outer Banks of Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. Precursor of the Frisbee.
Airspeed 1. True airspeed plus 20% when talking with other pilots. 2. Measured in furlongs-per-fortnight in student aircraft.
Airstrip In-flight performance by exotic female flight attendant.
Air Traffic Control Center A drafty, ill-kept, barn-like structure in which people congregate for dubious reasons.
Alternate Airport The airport that no aircraft has sufficient fuel to proceed to if necessary.
Avgas Fuel the FAA wants pilots to use in their general aviation aircraft, can also be found in some turbine equipped aircraft (See also Lazy 8)

Barrel Roll Unloading the beer for a hangar party.
Captain Pilot who mostly flies from the left seat. Is responsible for all the mistakes made by the co-pilot (See also co-pilot)

Carburetor Ice Phrase used when reporting a forced landing caused by running out of fuel.
Carburetor Icing Usually vanilla.
Chock 1. Sudden and usually unpleasant surprise suffered by Mexican pilots. 2. Piece of wood the lineboy slips in front of wheel while pilot is not looking.
Cockpit 1. A confined space in which two chickens fight each other, especially when they can't find the airport in a rainstorm. 2. Area in which the pilot sits while attempting to figure out where he is.
Collision Unplanned contact between one aircraft and another. As a rule, collisions that result in the creation of several smaller and less airworthy aircraft from the original two are thought to be the most serious.
Control Tower Secure place where all sick and perverted mass-murderers are kept.
Co-pilot Pilot who mostly sits in the right seat and is blamed for all the mistakes the captain makes (See also captain)
Cuban 8 A family of political refugees in Miami.

De-icer The person that puts de ice on the wing.
Dive Pilots' lounge or airport cafe.
Drag Chute Emergency escape slide near pilot's window. Opens automatically if male copilot shows up in women's clothes.

Fast Describes the speed of any high-performance aircraft. Lower-performance and training aircraft are described as "half-fast."
Final Approach 1. Last pass a pilot makes at the opposite sex before giving up. 2. Many a seasoned pilot's last landing. 3. Many a student pilot's first landing.
Flashlight Tubular metal container kept in flight bag for storing dead batteries.
Flight Instructor Individual of dubious reputation, paid vast sums of money to impart knowledge of questionable value and cast serious doubt on the coordination, intelligence, and ancestry of student pilots.
Flight Plan Scheme to get away from home to go flying.

Glider Formerly "airplane," prior to running out of fuel.
Gross Weight A 350-pound pilot (also see Split S). 2. Maximum permissible takeoff weight plus two suitcases, 10 cans of oil, four sleeping bags, four rifles, eight cases of beer, and the groceries.

Hangar Home for anything that flies, mostly birds.
Heated Air Mass Usually found near hangar, flight lounge, airport cafe, or attractive, non-flying members of the opposite sex.

Induced Drag When a male copilot is forced to put on women's clothes against his will.
Jet-assisted Takeoff A rapid takeoff procedure used by a general aviation pilot who suddenly finds himself taking off on a runway directly in front of a departing 747.
Junkers 52 A collection of elderly airplanes that even the FAA can't make airworthy.

Lazy 8 1. Well-known fly-in resort ranch. 2. The airport operator, his four mechanics, and three lineboys.
Log A small rectangular notebook used by pilots to record lies.

Magneto 1. Spanish for, "What a cool-looking magnet!" 2. Not-very-famous Italian vaudeville magician, "The Great Magneto."
Mode Term used by pilots in the Lafayette Escadrille during W.W.I to describe what they had to land in during rainy weather.
Motor A word used by Englishmen and student pilots when referring to an aircraft engine. (also see "Aerodrome")

National Airport Inordinately congested airport in Washington, D.C. whose Potomac River approach was used by Korean War pilots practicing to bomb the bridges at Toko-Ri.
Navigation The process by which a pilot finds his way from point A to point B while actually trying to get to point C.

Oshkosh A town in Wisconsin that is the site of the annual Experimental Aircraft Association fly-in. It is believed to have been named after the sound that most experimental aircraft engines make.

Pilot A poor, misguided soul who talks about women when he's flying and flying when he's with a woman.
Pilot Flying Pilot who needs to figure out how to get from A to B (See also Navigation and Pilot Non Flying)
Pilot Non Flying Pilot who gets to read the newspaper during flight (See also Pilot Flying)
Pitot Tube On long flights, something into which the pilot can pitot.
Push-to-talk Button that gets stuck when discussing intimate details

Radar An extremely realistic type of video game, often found at airports. Players try to send small game-pieces, called "blips," from one side of the screen to the other without colliding with each other. Player with the fewest collisions wins.
Ramp Agent Person who books artists for the upcoming airshow.
Roger The most popular name in radio.
Rudder Control surface used after the third or fourth lesson.

S-turn Course flown by student pilot from point A to point B.
Simulator Very expensive moving sauna.
Split S What happens to the pants of overweight pilots (also see "Gross Weight").

Trim Tab 1. A device that can fly an airplane better than the pilot. 2. Popular diet beverage for fat pilots (also see "Gross Weight"). 3. A soft drink popular among female pilots who like to wear skintight red jumpsuits.

Vacuum According smart passengers, this causes lift.
Vortex Generators Little expensive things most commonly found on the wing, no pilot is able to tell you what it does, just looks cool.

Wind Screen Display for two-dimensional insects, preferable in bright colors.
Winglet Place for airlines to advertise their logo.

Wat is het verschil tussen een piloot en een alcoholist?
een alcoholist gaat naar AA-meetings.........

Is het echt zo erg met piloten en alcohol?

Hmm, dit was een serieuze vraag, maar klinkt als: zijn blondjes echt zo dom? :grijns:

PS. Als het echt zo is, dan wordt ik vast een goede piloot :D

ojjo29 schreef:Chuck, is that you?

:haha:

Een blondje loopt een bank in Amsterdam Centrum binnen en vraagt om een lening. Ze zegt, dat ze voor 2 weken op zakenreis naar de Verenigde Staten moet en dat ze 10.000 euro nodig heeft. De bankbediende zegt dat de bank wel een onderpand nodig heeft voor de lening. Het blondje pakt haar autosleutels en overhandigt de man de sleutels van een gloednieuwe Rolls Royce, die voor het gebouw geparkeerd staat. De identiteit van het blondje wordt gecontroleerd en alles klopt. De bank gaat akkoord met de Rolls als onderpand voor de lening.

Als ze weg is, hebben de directeur en zijn personeel een hoop lol over het feit, dat iemand een auto van een half miljoen als onderpand gebruikt voor een lening van maar 10.000 euro. Echt iets voor een blondje, is de lacherige opinie. Een van de bankmedewerkers rijdt de Rolls in de ondergrondse garage van debank en parkeert de auto daar.

Na twee weken komt het blondje terug en betaalt netjes de lening terug, plus de rente van zo'n 45 euro. De bediende groet haar vriendelijk en zegt, dat ze blij waren zaken met haar te kunnen doen. Maar hij geeft aan, dat ze wel enigszins in verwarring zijn geraakt. Na haar vertrek hebben ze haar nog een keer nagetrokken en het bleek, dat ze multimiljonair is. Waarom wou ze in vredesnaam 10.000 euro lenen, terwijl ze zelf zo rijk is.

Het blondje kijkt hem glimlachend aan en zegt: "Waar zou je anders in Amsterdam voor slechts 45 euro je auto voor 2 weken kunnen parkeren?"

Een blondje komt bij een Citroen dealer binnen en kijkt even rond. De verkoper stapt op haar af en vraagt of hij haar kan helpen. Het blondje wijst een auto aan en zegt: "Die wil ik!". Zo gezegd zo gedaan, koopovereenkomst getekend, blondje rekent af en staat erop dat ze de auto meteen mee krijgt. Met een brede glimlach neemt ze plaats en rijdt ze de showroom uit. De verkoper kijkt haar na en ziet dat ze net voorbij de oprit stopt. De verkoper kijkt verbaasd maar veel tijd heeft hij niet aangezien er nieuwe klanten binnen komen.

Tegen sluitingstijd staat het blondje nog steeds net voorbij de oprit en de verkoper besluit om er even heen te lopen. "Heeft u ergens problemen mee?" vraagt de verkoper. "Nee" zegt dat blondje, "ik wacht". De verkoper kijkt haar raar aan en vraagt: "Waar wacht u dan op mevrouw?" "Nou", zegt dat blondje, "ik had gehoord dat als je hier een auto kocht, dat je dan flink genaaid werd..."

Zo komt er een goudvis bij de dokter, zegt de dokter " aha ik zie het al, hij is uit de kom"

Een stewardess komt de cockpit binnen en vraagt aan de twee piloten:
"Willen jullie koffie of thee?"
De piloten staren maar wat voor zich uit en geven geen antwoord, dus ze probeert het nog een keer:
"Willen jullie koffie of thee?"
Weer komt er geen reactie en ze besluit de aandacht van de piloten te trekken door te zeggen:
"Ik ken nog een mopje."
De captain draait zich moeizaam om, en zegt:
"Nou, vertel je mopje eens."
Waarop de stewardess vraagt:
"Wat is het verschil tussen een condoom en de cockpit?"
De captain werpt een onnozele blik en zegt:
"Ik heb geen idee."
Waarop de stewardess zegt:
"In een cockpit passen twee lullen......"
Dan draait de First Officer zich om en zegt:
"Dan ken ik er ook nog wel ééntje."
En de stewardess zegt:
"Nou, vraag maar raak!"
Waarop de First Officer vraagt:
"Wat is het verschil tussen een tampon en een theezakje?"
De stewardess zegt:
"Geen idee!"
Waarop beide piloten zich omdraaien en de First Officer mompelt:
"Doe ons beiden dan maar een kopje koffie."

One day, a man walking came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds.

He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before.

Curious and brave, he began to climb.

Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud.

She spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"

The man figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing and came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, more attractive woman than before.

She says: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"

The man saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On the next level of clouds, he finds a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.

She says, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"

Not satisfied that this is the best he can get, he continues climbing quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he finds a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered.

The man couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed caught the best of him.

He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar.

Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 16 stone, 6' hairy biker looking guy with tattoos.

The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward the man .

Apprehensively, the man whispers, "Who are you?"

The biker answers, "I'm Cess."

Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine Sex. He's a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.

When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told th clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one, too !" Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid."

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the Hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said, "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill we don't care what you do." I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny - I have the same problem."

One day, I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He said, "Now that cable is all over the place, it's no big deal anymore."

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The Judge said, "This courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please."

Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent ours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?". I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday............

Aussie Ghost Story - don't read if you have a weak heart.This happened
a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock
tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road
hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night
was rolling on and not a car went by. The storm was so strong he could
hardly see more than a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car that looked
like bini slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car
and closed the door, just to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and
the engine wasn't on! The car started moving slowly. John looked at the
road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for
his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the
window and turned the wheel and the car slowly went round the curve.

Paralysed with terror, Joh watched how the hand appeared every time they
came to a bend. John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering
strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila.

He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went
through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized he was crying and
wasn't drunk.

About 2 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub.

They were also wet and out of breath.
Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the
other, "Look, Bruce.. here's the ****** idiot that got in the car while we
were pushing it."

To prepare for his big date, the young man went on top of the roof of his apartment building in order to get a little colour for himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.
Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get sunburned on his "tool." Being very determined the young man decided not to miss his date because it was with a hot blonde. So, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze, feeling this should resolve his painful situation.
The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home-cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, the sunburn started acting up. After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused. A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain so he went to the kitchen, and poured a tall, cold glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief.
The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to find him with his "Johnson" immersed in a glass of milk. With a look of understanding the blonde exclaimed, "So THAT'S how you load those things

:haha: Wise words:

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Co-Co Flanel schreef:Een stewardess komt de cockpit binnen en vraagt aan de twee piloten:
"Willen jullie koffie of thee?"
De piloten staren maar wat voor zich uit en geven geen antwoord, dus ze probeert het nog een keer:
"Willen jullie koffie of thee?"
Weer komt er geen reactie en ze besluit de aandacht van de piloten te trekken door te zeggen:
"Ik ken nog een mopje."
De captain draait zich moeizaam om, en zegt:
"Nou, vertel je mopje eens."
Waarop de stewardess vraagt:
"Wat is het verschil tussen een condoom en de cockpit?"
De captain werpt een onnozele blik en zegt:
"Ik heb geen idee."
Waarop de stewardess zegt:
"In een cockpit passen twee lullen......"
Dan draait de First Officer zich om en zegt:
"Dan ken ik er ook nog wel ééntje."
En de stewardess zegt:
"Nou, vraag maar raak!"
Waarop de First Officer vraagt:
"Wat is het verschil tussen een tampon en een theezakje?"
De stewardess zegt:
"Geen idee!"
Waarop beide piloten zich omdraaien en de First Officer mompelt:
"Doe ons beiden dan maar een kopje koffie."

Hahahahaha brilliant :D

Overigens een gouden vondst dit topic...Hier nog een:

zitten twee piloten in de cockpit, komt de purser binnenlopen en die ziet een gigantische bos bloemen staan. 'waar zijn die voor?'
'nou, als jij ons nou allebei een lekkere pijpbeurt geeft dan is die bos voor jou!' zegt de gezagvoerder. Affijn, purser staat natuurlijk raar te kijken..'ja we werken nu al een jaar of 10 samen, en eigenlijk lijkt me dat niet zo'n goed idee' zegt ze, en ze loopt weer weg

Even later komt er een andere stewardess binnen, die ziet natuurlijk ook die bloemen staan...Hee meid, als je ons nou allebei een lekkere pijpbeurt geeft zijn ze voor jou hoor!
'Ja nou, eehh...we kennen elkaar nu 5 jaar en eigenlijk vind ik dat niet zo'n goed plan voor onze werksfeer' En ook zij loopt weg...

Tijdje later komt de stewardess aanlopen die net haar eerste werkdag heeft...

'waarvoor zijn die bloemen?' Nou, die zijn voor jou, dat is traditie voor de eerste werkdag! Nou affijn, t meisje helemaal blij met die reusachtige bos bloemen, en ze rent naar de cabine...'kijk eens!' zegt ze tegen haar collega's, 'Kijk eens wat voor een mooie bos bloemen ik heb gehad!'

Lopen twee belgen op straat.... zegt de één tegen de ander...

ahh laat ook maar, binnenkort komt er een noemenswaardiger!
Haha geweldig topic dit!

Zat idd op de belgenmoppen te wachten, maar ja, met een belgische werkgever....

Daarom maar op safe spelen:

Wie heeft het koperdraad uitgevonden? Twee Hollanders die vochten om een stuiver.

Hoe zijn de grotten van Han ontstaan? Een Hollander was een gulden kwijtgeraakt in de Ardennen.

Laatst ergens gelezen:

Over een conversatie tussen een SR-71 en ATC:

US***: Request FL600
ATC: If you can make it, go ahead!
US***: Ok decending from FL800 to FL600
ATC: Silent...

While taxiing out in sequence behind a Lufthansa airliner at Frankfurt, a C-130 crew noticed an orange "Remove before flight" streamer hanging out of the Lufthansa nose wheel well (their nose gear locking pin was still installed). Not wanting to cause too much embarrassment by going thru the controller, the 130 crew simply called the Lufthansa aircraft on the tower frequency: "Lufthansa aircraft, Herky 23." No reply.

They repeated the transmission and again there was no reply. Instead, the Lufthansa pilot called the tower and asked the tower to tell the Herky crew that "the professional pilots of Lufthansa do not engage in unprofessional conversations over the radio."
The 130 pilot quickly replied, "Frankfurt tower, can you please relay to the professional pilots of the Lufthansa aircraft that their nose gear pin is still installed?"

En voor nog wat flauwe plaatjes:

http://www.airtoons.com/

Is een parodie op safety cards.

A man dies and goes to hell.. while down there he meets a demon.

Demon: hi im the hell liason ill show you around .. Hells not all that bad as people make out .. You smoke?

Man: hell yeah i smoke 2 packs a day

Demon: well todays monday.. on mondays we sit around and smoke all day.. ciggerattes, cigars, pipes.. smoke till are lungs burst
it doenst matter were already dead

Man: Thats sounds good

Demon: You drink?

Man: sure I do at least a six pack a day..

Demon: Well on tuesdays we drink all day ..beer, whiskey, tequila drink till are liver shrivels up.. what do we care ..were dead

Man: wow thats great

Demon: How about drugs?

Man: well sure.. I smoke pot regulary.. occasionally a few lines..

Demon: on Wednesdays we do Pot, coke, extacy, smack.. f@#k it OD it doesnt matter..

Man: wow thats really cool..whats on thursdays?

Demon: are you gay?

man: No

Demon: well your gonna hate thursdays

Following their deaths, a woman buried her three ex-husbands in the same grave.
"Why did you bury them in the same grave?" she was asked.
"Well", she began, "they all seemed to be perfectly happy with the same hole when they were alive ..."

----------------------------------------------------

Three Rednecks were working on the BellSouth tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed
instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow."

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are".

---------------------------------------------------

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. As the pallbearers are carrying out the casket, they accidentally
bump into a wall. Hearing a faint moan from inside, the woman’s husband opens the casket and finds that his wife is actually alive!

She dies again, 10 years later, at which point her husband has to go through another funeral. This time when the pallbearers carry
the casket toward the door, the husband yells out, “Watch out for that f*cking wall!”